Five Things
by SweetDeamon
Summary: After enduring a number of boring meetings of the Order of the Phoenix, Remus and Tonks begin to exchange daft notes to help pass the time, each one containing a list of 'five things...'. Thereafter, exchanging lists becomes a daily occurrence between the pair, the likes of which reveal a tentative romance that against all odds is soon to blossom amidst a raging storm... RLNT
1. Chapter 1

_Note: Dedicated to **Sarah**! I was going to write this story all in one huge long chapter, but since she wanted to read it and I won't be writing much at all in the latter part of this week (Thanks to University and my brother's birthday), I have decided to split it into chapters instead! _

_I hope that FF does not spoil the formatting on this 'fic, otherwise this could get confusing!_

_Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. _

**1: Boredom**

Dear Nymphadora,

Since you were absent from the meeting this evening, Alastor has asked me to update you on what you have missed. He has reminded me about a dozen times in the past half an hour that there were five crucial things that I must not fail to mention. I must confess that I have no idea what he is talking about, but I shall endeavour to leave you suitably well informed nevertheless. Here are five (hopefully) crucual things that you have missed:

1. The next meeting will be held on Wednesday evening at the usual time and place.

2. Dumbledore is looking forward to hearing from you on any developments at the Ministry.

3. Emmeline and Hestia had nothing to report on the situation with the Malfoys.

4. Prior to future meetings we must remember to hide Sirius' supply of Fire Whiskey. This is extremely important, believe me!

5. Constant Vigilance!

Best Wishes,

Remus

Dear Remus,

Thanks for your note, it sounds as if I missed a very interesting meeting to say the least. (Don't you think it is a shame how little sarcasm comes across on parchment?) You did an admirable job of deciphering Mad-Eye's rambling, though in future perhaps you should bear in mind the following five things:

1. If he says a phrase more than three times in the space of one minute, make a note of it because it is probably important and will come back to haunt you later.

2. The importance of Constant Vigilance goes without saying, despite the fact that Mad-Eye says it in every other breath. A tattoo might be more appropriate than simply writing it down.

3. If you can do so without laughing, watch his face. He scrunches it up half a second before announcing something of great importance.

4. If you are sitting nearby when the above happens, make sure you lean away from him because when he utters said thing of great importance he usually spits on the first syllable.

5. If he isn't shouting and making wild hand gestures, ignore whatever it is that he is saying. It simply isn't worth exhausting yourself trying to pay attention for such a long period of time.

See you Wednesday!

Tonks

(Yes, Tonks. Not that other ridiculous name.)

* * *

R,

5 Things that I don't really understand about Mad-Eye's current rant:

1. It's giving me a weird sense of de va ju – hasn't he said all of this before? Repeatedly? On many occasions?

2. Have the Death Eaters added the word 'Bloody' to their official title without me noticing? Or are they all Bloody Death Eaters because there have been a lot of nosebleeds at Malfoy Manor recently?

3. Why, whenever he says the phrase 'every single one of us!' does Mad-Eye look directly at me?

4. How are you managing to look so interested?

5. Can you keep up that level of interest and read this note at the same time?

A galleon says you can't!

T.

Tonks,

5 Things to answer your questions:

1. He's said Constant Vigilance five times, Bloody Death Eaters eight times, Vital Importance twelve times and In Dark Times Such As These on at least three occasions.

2. Perhaps the number of nosebleeds has prompted them to make a drastic name alteration and therefore both of your theories are correct? I shall be sure to ask the Lestranges for clarification next time I bump into them.

3. There's probably something wrong with his magical eye.

4. I could tell you, but then I would have to kill you.

5. Can I maintain that level of interest? Since I started writing this he has twice asked me if I am paying attention. Consequently we can safely conclude: Evidently not.

It would appear that I owe you a galleon.

Thank Merlin I think he's about to stop talking!

Living in hope,

Remus.

* * *

Remus

You are looking distinctly bored by the no doubt vital things that Snape has to say about...

...whatever it is that he is talking about. I suggest you attempt the following 5 things:

1. Nod your head a little at regular intervals as if you agree with what he is saying.

2. Stop doodling on the parchment in front of you. It is far too obvious. At least make it look as if you are taking notes. (As I am doing right now. Mad-Eye must think I am finding Snape's speech utterly fascinating!)

3. You might bother to actually LOOK at Snape occasionally. In fact look him straight in the eye – he won't see that one coming!

4. Stop kicking Sirius under the table. I know he started it, but it's getting steadily more violent and he missed you just now and kicked me in the shin!

5. Stop glancing in my direction every few minutes – is it because you know what I'm writing? Perhaps Snape is not the only Legilimens sat around this table?

If you cannot manage any of the above and are not successful in pretending to be deeply interested in whatever Snape is saying, at least scribble a note and toss it back my way. I think the boredom is going to kill me!

Help!

Tonks

Tonks,

As you can see I am returning your previous note to you because I fear that you need it more than I do. You look as though you might just drop off to sleep at any moment. Perhaps you should also consider these 5 things:

1. Stop sneaking sips of Sirius' fire whiskey when he is not looking. Alcohol isn't the answer, it will only make concentrating more difficult. Not to mention the fuss Sirius will make when he finally figures out why his glass keeps emptying itself. (Thus far he has probably only concluded that it is yet another ridiculous enchantment placed upon the glassware by his beloved mother. But he WILL spot you soon enough. After all you keep grinning and looking shamelessly guilty)

2. Get up and make yourself a cup of tea. Moving will help jolt you back to full consciousness. You can make me one whilst you are at it. Milk, please. No sugar.

3. Sometimes when bored and sat here I make a mental inventory of how many cups, plates and pieces of cutlery are waiting to be washed up. Don't try it. It has the same effect as counting sheep and will only make slumber yet more inevitable.

4. Concentrate on something constructive. Like another daft note – throw it back this way!

5. Give up. Put your head down and have a snooze. At moments such as this it can be more sensible to simply admit to yourself that resistance is entirely futile.

Sweet Dreams!

Remus


	2. Chapter 2

_Note: Here we are again, at last! I hope somebody enjoys it! :-)_

**2: A Bad Day All Round**

Remus,

5 things that make today at work even more awful that the Order meeting we were at on Friday evening:

1. Kingsley does not appreciate my sarcastic notes passed under the table during work meetings anything like as much as you would.

2. Snape's hair might look greasy enough from a distance to make you shudder, but Dawlish hasn't taken a bath since his posting to Cornwall on Wednesday and I can smell him from the other side of the office.

3. I think I stepped on gum on my way in this morning.

4. I'm starting to think that Proudfoot and Savage may have been conjoined twins in a former life because they keep finishing one another's sentences, which is so annoying it makes me want to hex them through the nearest window.

5. Did I mention that there aren't any windows?

You'd better drop whatever you're doing and write back, else I might not make it to lunchtime without running screaming and shouting for the nearest floo!

Tonks.

Tonks,

5 Things that make today at Headquarters worse than that Order meeting we were at on Friday:

1. Buckbeak chocked on a chicken carcass and vomited all over the attic room. Being ridiculously hung over, Sirius left the dubious pleasure of clearing up the mess to yours truly.

2. Whilst I was elbow-deep in hippogriff vomit, Alastor arrived to drop off some paperwork, and refused to leave for half an hour because it has been at least twelve hours since he last gave a speech on Constant Vigilance, and since I was on my hands and knees with my wand and scrubbing brush I was, I imagine, an easier target than Sirius who was lying sprawled on a sofa in the parlour in some form of alcohol-induced coma.

3. You may be able to smell Dawlish from across the office, but seemingly after my run-in with the contents of our resident hippogriff's stomach, Molly could smell me from three floors away, because five minutes after Alastor left she appeared in the kitchen to lecture me on precisely what brands of washing powder I should use to get the vomit-induced stains from the knees of my trousers. Personally I was thinking of just burning them.

4. Yesterday Arthur polished off the last of the chocolate cake from Friday and our designated cake tin is now entirely bare.

5. Did I mention there isn't any cake?

I'd swap for your morning in a heartbeat, Tonks!

Remus

R,

5 things that prove my day was worse than yours:

1. Fudge came swanning down to the office this afternoon to berate us for our total lack of progress in catching a certain dear cousin of mine, and quite frankly the rubbish he spurts every time he opens his mouth is as good as vomit. Buckbeak vomited once. Fudge was here ranting for almost an entire hour.

2. Mad-Eye may be obsessed with Constant Vigilance, but at least he makes a valid, if somewhat over exaggerated point. Everything Fudge says is just utter bollocks. And very over exaggerated.

3. At least you have the choice as to whether or not to set fire to your pieces of clothing. Savage tripped over the cloak I left draped over the back of my chair earlier and he threatened to set fire to it whether I liked it or not!

4. We never have cake at work. Sometimes we have the odd packet of biscuits but by the time somebody points this out to me they are usually already gone or going stale. Cake is a foreign concept around here!

5. Yes that's right, a foreign concept!

So it's a deal, then? We'll swap?

T.

Nymphadora,

5 things that prove my day was worse than yours:

1. Fudge's words, though no doubt extremely irritating, have nothing on Sirius' incessant snoring for four hours this afternoon which forced me to evacuate the room in favour of the library, which smells of damp and seems eternally shadowy and sinister no matter how many candles I light.

2. Bearing in mind how incoherent Alastor's rants can be, it is entirely unacceptable for you to base an argument on the assumption that he is making a valid point, due to the fact that neither you nor I actually entirely understand any point, if any, that he is attempting to make.

3. You can't dislike Savage terribly, after all anybody who manages to trip over in such a fashion is no doubt a kindred spirit of yours.

4. A lack of cake on a regular basis means you have never developed into the very sorry and pathetic cake-dependent state that Sirius and I are now in.

5. Although it didn't stop you stealing the slice off my plate last week, which was cruel of you really, given my aforementioned addiction. Therefore not only are you not addicted, you have not been deprived in such a cruel manner, either!

I declare myself the undisputed winner of this debate, despite having absolutely no authority to do so!

I shall not see you at the meetings next week, I'm being sent away, though I trust you shall enjoy each riveting report on our current state of affairs perfectly well without me! Report back, won't you? You'll do a far more amusing job than Alastor, I'm sure!

Remus.


End file.
